Topsy Turvy

Sometimes in life we are handed cherries and others we are handed lemons. It is the natural balance of life. How could we appreciate our glorious gifts with out being denied some as well.

This past weekend, I was so blessed with the honor of looking after my little nephew Joe. My sister and her hubby were going out of town for some much needed one on one time, a little quality time which was very much deserved.

I have to admit, I was actually dreading my commitment for this on Friday. I was worn out in body, mind and heart. In my mind, I felt like I sorely needed a weekend at home with nothing to do, nowhere to go and a little alone time with my hubby. I was just feeling total exhaustion from our recent move, subsequent vacation only a few days later and a hellish week of work to boot. It seems I hadn't had any me time for more than a few weekends in a row. Let's face it, I was smack down, dead center in the middle of my big old pity pot. All for naught!!

Almost from the very moment of getting to be with my sweet little munchkin, Joe all the wear and tear of the prior weeks just dissipated. I quickly realized that life was giving me cherries for the weekend. I cannot begin to put in appropriate words the indescribable joy that this little boy brings me. He is truly a wonderful healing for all the senses. His smile lights his face and brings joy to my eyes. His peals of laughter and giggles are just music to my ears. His true adventurous outlook on everthing he experiences is truly contagious. You wouldn't believe how this child loves to eat. He eats with the voracity of one denied for too long, only it has only been since lunch with a few snacks in between. When he plays, it is with such an imagination that only comes with youth. He hears the engines of a plane above and declares loudly, "Look! There it is!! I see it!!" His excitement is such that you would think it was the first plane he had ever seen. I join in and exclaim, "Look Joe, Z plane - Z plane!!" We both look into each other's eyes as if we had conquered the world by spotting that plane. I suppose that this happenned everytime a plane crossed in the balmy afternoon, which was approximately six times in that one outdoor playtime. You wouldn't believe the rottenness and dead eyed aim of this precocious little tyke in the tub with his squirt guns. It was his bath time, but I do believe that I was almost as wet as he was, yet Iwas fully clothed and dripping!! He really is a good shot. I believe that my favorite part of the bathtub escapades was washing his hair. That very distinctive aroma of baby shampoo on the peachfuzzed, toeheaded Joe, took me back to happier times. What a precious memory for me. Baby shampoo has to be up there as one of the most unique scents and most lovingly remembers aromas of my life.

I really must state that I was truly gifted this weekend with what I describe as a gift from the Lord above, Joe. There is nothing better than having this divine child in my care for the short few hours that I did. Those rare and precious moments when this little boy becomes so sweet and cuddly in my lap. How can I aptly put into words how I feel when he looks up at me with those beautiful blue eyes, as only he can, and all I see is the love ans safety he feels in knowing that I love him and he is safe with his Auntie Crystal. At this moment I am truly blessed! Malana and Larry, I say thank you for sharing this little angel with me!!

I wake up this morning to feeling despair, such are Monday's. Time for life to start with dishing out the lemon's. I have not been feeling well since yesterday afternoon. I thought that I had food poisoning, but it isn't going to be that easy. I am feeling, achy, tired, and not well. I fear I have the flu.

There is a darkness settling over me that I can not seem to control. I feel such loss this morning. Apparently the abounding joy that Joe brings me, has it's limitations. I just feel empty this morning. Bound to happen after having a child to care for this weekend. Today, I just feel empty. This time of year is hard for me. It has been nearly three years since the passing of my beloved son, Kenneth. They say time heals all wounds, I personally find this to not be the case. It gets better, but it is always there in everything I do. I feel as if I am in prison. I am serving a life setence. The tears are streaming down my face again for the millionth time in as many moments. It seems I have a bottomless well from which they spring. I feel a wail building inside of me. I cannot scream it away. It is always there, sometimes a gentle reminder of happier times, and others, like today, a driving force of despair and darkness, void of all light.

I fall to my knees, "Dear God, please grant me the strength to endure this torturous loss, just a small measure of peace, just a slight sliver of hope when all feels hopeless. I beg of you dear Lord, in Jesus' name, Amen." I wail and I cry, I speak to my child and there it is... a little light in the darkness. It always comes. I will get through this, I am strong. I have made it through for nearly three years when other's have not made it at all. I feel lonely, yet I am not alone. I am grateful. I am blessed. I am loved and I give love. I just need to continue to look for the joy where I can find it. I try to do this daily. I have more good days than bad. I am blessed with a loving family and friends. Still, it is a struggle, a daily struggle. I am strong. I am grateful. This is just a temporary madness, an all consuming, temporary madness. I have such grief at this moment that I feel like I may wretch. Again, I am strong. I am grateful.

Then out of nowhere, the ever reoccuring feeling of selfishness. How blessed am I to have had this lovely person to raise, nurture, share, love and adore for 25 years? I have so many lovely memories to hold onto. So may stories to share with my friends. A lovely Grand-daughter, very aptly named Grace, to hold onto and wrap my arms around and share the unconditional love her Daddy had for her. I am grateful. I am so grateful. Kenneth was so strong, funny, charming and a million other things that are too many to mention. I think it is his humor that I miss the most. Oh, how he made me laugh!! He would get that ornery look, a quirkish grin and then the devilish twinkle would light his eyes. Oh yes, and the hugs!! His tall boy hugs were the greatest thing on the planet. Well, in all honesty, the thing I miss the most is his walking through my door and simply stating, "Hi Mom." Oh God, I miss you!!

Like I stated, it is a struggle, a daily struggle. A sheer madness that brings me joy and sorrow, darkness and light, tribulation and peace. All of these emotions in the blink of an eye. Repeated daily. It is grief and joy. It is love and hate. It is life and death. Through it all, I am strong and I am grateful. What can I say? Life is just topsy turvy!!